Odd Thoughts to Fixate on

It was a unfortunate turn of events, developing schizophrenia. Living on the edge of sanity, day in and day out. There are a lot of strong people out there for various reasons, I like to count myself as one of them. It may not seem like something to boast to you but to me I am a warrior fighting with my own mind. There is a lot that people go through out there; Imagine if you will, being in a constant battle with your own mind. Imagine yourself walking in a forest of obstacles, each one bringing degrees of challanges that you need to surpass to get through the day. Imagine ignoring one of these not knowing that the punishment for it is you are now disconnected from reality. You are now in a dark abyss with only broken slivers of the world shining through. That the only good those slivers you grasp at do is influence your current delusion. The delusion being your minds attempt to fill the cracks of your fractured connection to everything, including the ones you hold dear.

Now going through all you have just read,  I want you to imagine: Holding down a job, maintaining a healthy relationship, taking care of yourself, paying your bills or just simply leaving your house. Of course some of you by now are thinking ‘but those are easy tasks’. Well you need to go back and read the first paragraph. For those of you who are not so cynical, continue with me.

Part of having Schizophrenia is having odd thoughts. In truth these never go away, with medication, thearapy and self care they become so easy to manage. You may even be bold enough to allow them to influence some of your creative thinking. There are many artists who apply their symptoms to their work. Some of my writing ideas have been sparked by a odd thought passing through, not just my experiences. Admitily during a time where I took less than good care of myself, my odd thoughts have turned into full blown delusions. An important part of my mind can also be my downfall.

An important thing for me to remember is that I fixate. To me the only thing I can compare the level of intesity of fixation to is “prey drive”. Worrisome concept for you I am sure but believe me I am not out here running down squirrels or harming anything. My fixation is mostly focused on ideas, something I want to get or do. Ask my wife, once I get something in my head, it is extremly difficult to talk me out it. If I focus on a task such as work or fixing my car, I tend get a little beat up in the process ex: cuts, scaps and bruises, unfortunently these do not seem to register in the moment. It is important for me to remember that I fixate, I tend to get lost in what I am doing.

What is most important when you have Schizophrenia is knowing yourself. Schizophrenia can alter your mind at any given moment. I am sure enough to say that it is more than just a disease but a way of thinking. Given my experience  I can confidently say that, the very structure of my mind is different than someone without the disease. Eveyone’s mind is unique, schizophrenia just goes that extra mile to add to something or take it away. Even when compared those with schizophrenia are changed by the disease in their own way, making no two the same.

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