Pushing On

I’m having trouble pushing on. I feel like my backs against the wall. The only choices I see ahead of me is to push through or lose it all by running and hiding. Today I felt so down in the dumps, the worst I’ve felt in a long time. It was unexplainable, there was no reason for me to feel this low.

I’m at a loss for words as I struggle to write this post. My will feels cracked, unlike the strength I normally feel.

The chest pain came back yesterday. I struggled to finish my shift at work. I made it through but called out today. Calling out always makes me anxious. Anxiety ridden all day.

Part of me feels like I missed my meds yesterday. I know for a fact that I took my vitamins but based on how I’ve been feeling, it would make sense that I missed a dose. I feel awful because I never miss a dose and the fact that I missed work is inexcusable. If I did yesterday, it would make it the second time in eight months that I’ve mistakenly missed my meds. I feel irresponsible and I’ve been kicking myself because of it.

The worst part is this feels like it’s in my head because of course that’s what schizophrenia does. Mental barriers that I have to will myself through. Sounds stupid right? But it’s as real as a brick wall sitting in front of me.

I’ve found that music is in fact the best medicine for my mental state (obviously other that actual medication). Music impacts me strongly, So much that It helps my guide myself out of my slump.

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