I sit here today with regret.

I love hearing success stories. I hear of people who have smoked for twenty five years then one day, out of the blue, they quit cold turkey. I am not only happy for these people but I am completely jealous of them.

As I sit here today, after one day of doing so well, I haven’t smoked a single cigarette until this point, I am envious. My body has felt great today, I’ve barely coughed and I’ve had an enormous amount of energy. I sit here today envious, kicking myself for lighting up my second cigarette in a row.

Today my mind has been all over the place: I’ve been forgetful, I’ve had a lapse in concentration, I’ve had more odd thoughts than I’ve had in so long, honestly I don’t know how I’ve made it through today. I sit here today, heart broken that I’ve given up on quittng cigarettes.

Today has pushed me so hard, to a point where I’m looking back at my day and I feel if I continue I will end up in the hospital because of a break down. I look back at today and realize how distant I was from reality. I was reminded of that far away feeling I get right before I plummet into a full blown episode. I sit here today, scared that I can never quit, scared that my illness and addiction to cigarettes will be the end of me.

My biggest regret in life is picking up a cigarette. When I took that first drag I did not think of how I would think of myself, years down the road. My first cigarette was before my illness emerged. It was before I knew that my life choices had consequences and before I thought that I should take care of myself. I sit here today, side by side with regret.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.