Analyzing myself, my minds answer to not being able to sleep

This is the mind of someone with schizophrenia for you. Sometimes my thoughts are just broken. Add a stressful day plus melatonin because I can’t sleep and this is what you get.

I sat up awake tonight trying to decide, more or less, if I handle situations like a good person would.

Some people struggle with right from wrong. Some people are to emotional whereas others are to logical.

Each day is a struggle for me. I know right from wrong, how to act appropriately in most situations and for the most part I am a pretty consistent person.

My daily struggle is like two oceans, pushing, pulling and both trying to push me in the right direction.

Here is my problem, I am a very calculating person, I am able to stay composed and make logical decisions on the outside. I also have a contradicting characteristic which is I am not a cold person. I am in fact a very empathetic, loving, compassionate person. I am someone who loves to laugh and wants to make the best of every moment.

These two contradictory characteristics add another step to my decision making. I always see two roads to begin each situation. I don’t see it as a right from wrong as either road can lead to a positive outcome, more of a means to an end.

A big factor in deciding how to go about a situation is who I’m interacting with. Is it a good person or someone who would take advantage and pose a threat to me; you may call it judging but I call it taking in all the factors. Let’s face it, not everyone is your best friend.

You see for me it’s all about deciding how to proceed based on calculating, logical ideas about the other person but I know that if I’m not careful I could hurt that person. So I get stuck with a dilemma, do the means justify the end.

So what’s with this extra step in my decision making. Is it just a side effect of my mental illness or is it another asset brought upon by adapting.

I’ve often heard that me, as a sufferer of schizophrenia, do not think as a normal person should. Up to this point in my life, the majority of my decisions have either kept me out of harms way or steered me away from toxic people. So determining whether or not I think right is irrelevant as it has saved my ass more times than not. I still try to do the best I can and be a good person.

Plot twist, I apologize if this confuses you at all, I’m merely trying to get out of my head by writing. A lot of these thoughts that keep me up at night, don’t actually have any depth to them. It’s like there enough to hook me but once I’m hooked they don’t seem to go anywhere.