Today I’ve been awake since 9:45 and I have to say that I’ve accomplished very little. I’ve spent most of my time on Twitter and listening to music. I find that one of the most aggravating negative symptoms of schizophrenia is the lack of motivation. In my head I have so much that I want to do today, yet the mental hurtles that I have to jump through to get moving can be debilitating. Some of my laziness may be contributed to it being my day off but when I watch my wife on her day off, it’s like cleaning the house is her second. Her drive amazes me everyday and I would give so much just to have an ounce of it.
I mean sure social withdrawal is lonely and the cognitive disfunction can be annoying. Honestly though, sitting here knowing things need to get done leaves me with a sense of uselessness feeling in my gut. What’s worse is when my wife gets home, she’ll start to clean and I’ll feel like a complete A-Hole for not being productive all day.
Unfortunately my only counter move to being lazy is getting mad at myself. I know, it’s unhealthy but it’s the only thing that will put the drive back in my gears. Ill mentally beat myself up, asking myself why can’t I be more helpful or if I like putting so much work on my wife. Feeling helpless pushes me until I break, when I essentially tell myself to fuck off and I get up and moving.
I know this isn’t normal but it’s the only strategy I’ve come up with after a lifetime of letting people down and having people get sick of my lack of motivation. Do I expect them to show some empathy and understand that it’s part of my illness, yes, but I also feel obligated to put my best effort forward and at least attempt to be productive. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m using this as a scapegoat nor do I want to feel like I am. So until I find a better way or until I am capable of just getting it done, this is the lesser of two evils. It’s either be lazy and watch life pass me by or be able to lay my head down at night knowing that I tried. Neither is easy on me but it is what it is. Wish me luck, better yet wish me motivation.