Days like today.

Today I’ve been awake since 9:45 and I have to say that I’ve accomplished very little. I’ve spent most of my time on Twitter and listening to music. I find that one of the most aggravating negative symptoms of schizophrenia is the lack of motivation. In my head I have so much that I want to do today, yet the mental hurtles that I have to jump through to get moving can be debilitating. Some of my laziness may be contributed to it being my day off but when I watch my wife on her day off, it’s like cleaning the house is her second. Her drive amazes me everyday and I would give so much just to have an ounce of it.

I mean sure social withdrawal is lonely and the cognitive disfunction can be annoying. Honestly though, sitting here knowing things need to get done leaves me with a sense of uselessness feeling in my gut. What’s worse is when my wife gets home, she’ll start to clean and I’ll feel like a complete A-Hole for not being productive all day.

Unfortunately my only counter move to being lazy is getting mad at myself. I know, it’s unhealthy but it’s the only thing that will put the drive back in my gears. Ill mentally beat myself up, asking myself why can’t I be more helpful or if I like putting so much work on my wife. Feeling helpless pushes me until I break, when I essentially tell myself to fuck off and I get up and moving.

I know this isn’t normal but it’s the only strategy I’ve come up with after a lifetime of letting people down and having people get sick of my lack of motivation. Do I expect them to show some empathy and understand that it’s part of my illness, yes, but I also feel obligated to put my best effort forward and at least attempt to be productive. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m using this as a scapegoat nor do I want to feel like I am. So until I find a better way or until I am capable of just getting it done, this is the lesser of two evils. It’s either be lazy and watch life pass me by or be able to lay my head down at night knowing that I tried. Neither is easy on me but it is what it is. Wish me luck, better yet wish me motivation.

4 thoughts on “Days like today.

  1. I’m glad to hear you are doing well working! I am going back to work soon hopefully. I just applied for the state of Pennsylvania to help me go back to work. But, I told my peer specialist through my mental health provider I would try to do things to make me more social, too, and one of which is starting a blog. I’m not very social and I really should be more social. About your symptoms, I’ve had persecutory delusions mainly so I know what mean by delusions. Paranoia I know about, too. I take medication for it, a specific one, that has helped in the past. Well, best of luck working. Thanks for sharing some symptoms. It’s always helpful to hear others’ stories.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! I hope you find the job right for you. Believe me I have days where I isolate myself. I’m glad hearing about my symptoms has helped. It’s one of the main reasons I started writing about them. I know it can be lonely when you’re not exposed to others who share your illness.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I didn’t know you were married. All the best to you and your wife! And, I wish you the best in motivation. Your post was very well written and thoughtful. I wanted to share with you that I graduated college over 10 years ago, but with my illness, I have really had trouble holding a job so it seems like 10 years without a job. It’s not lack of motivation, I want to work, but it’s my thoughts being disorganized that don’t allow me to work. If you have a therapist, maybe you can work on steps to getting more things done in a day. They are really helpful when you want to accomplish something, but doing it in steps and in phases rather than all at once.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much! I’m sure she’s going to love hearing that!The longest I’ve held a job for is a little over two years, I am still currently at this job. My illness also affects me at work other than lack of motivation. Like you I have disorganized thoughts. Also my lack of trust in people coupled with my illness making me a little paranoid doesn’t help. My biggest issue is delusional thinking. It’s my most prominent symptom. Even on medications, it will still get to me. Not on a serious level but just enough to throw me for a loop. A lot of my jobs were high stress and would cause me to go into the self help phase, which is the phase where I can at minimum make a life altering change to decrease my stress. Before it stems in medication change or worse having to go into the hospital. The job I’m at now allows me to make decent money and continue to preform daily tasks. Stress is a big trigger for me. I wish you the best of luck holding down a job. I know what it feels like when you can’t.

      Liked by 1 person

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