My nights are usually spent laying in bed, wide awake and my mind wandering. I’ve had difficulty sleeping my entire life and it seems like no matter what I do, nothing will change with it. It probably stems from my younger years, I got a tv in my bedroom when I was six years old. I started to stay up until two in the morning almost immediately. Even when I would get yelled at to go to sleep, all I would do is turn down my tv. I’ve got a life time of bad habits but this one takes the cake. It effects my everyday life and not only gets on other people’s nerves but my own as well. I’m not sure if it has anything to do with my illness, all I know is when I do not get enough sleep, I feel off the entire day. I’ve also read that I’m more susceptible to sleep deprivation than the average “sane” person.
Just last week it was my grandfathers birthday, the first one since he passed and we were going to the cemetery to spend it with him. I had recently stopped taking melatonin to help me sleep and the night before I ended up staying up all night. I felt myself slipping into an episode. I started losing control of my thoughts and I felt distant from reality. I was barely hanging on and I still had to work that night. I took a two hour nap but I still felt awful. My job was going to require me to stay up until two in the morning. After not sleeping more than a nap, I feared the worst.
I started making plans to go into the hospital. Starting with explaining to my wife what was going on. I then alerted my job in hopes they wouldn’t be like the last place I worked at and immediately try and fire me. They were very understanding and the stress was relieved a little. All this happened Sunday and I told my wife that if I didn’t improve by Tuesday morning I would go into the hospital. She was very understanding, as she always is and she advised me to start taking the melatonin again. After working all night Sunday and fearing that my episode would get worse, I finally made it into the comforts of my bed. After taking melatonin and drinking some sleepy time tea, I slept the entire day away the next day. I went into work still feeling like I was getting sick, although I was a little bit better, I gritted my teeth and went into work. As the night went on I started feeling better and better. I went to bed that night confident that I was going to the hospital the next day.
Tuesday afternoon rolled around when I woke up and I decided that I wasn’t bad enough to go into the hospital. My wife and I agreed on it and I spent my day off relaxing and getting some things done. I informed work that I wouldn’t be going into the hospital and I no longer need the days off the following week.
It was a big scare to say the least, fear of losing everything always weighs heavy on my mind. Though I have no choice but to power through and lean on the ones I love.
I have to say though that since starting the sarcosine, my symptom recognition has greatly improved and I am thankful for it.