The eyes behind my schizophrenia

It’s a big world, and I am just a tiny dot in all that exists. My problems seem so small in comparison. It makes me wonder, all this sprang into existence and a long time of evolution has led to where I am at right now. Makes me feel like there has to be a purpose. That there is more than the spinning chaos that we’re all in. Floating through space, passing through time. All this could be as simple as dumb luck but really, one thing essential to life is the will to live. Why are we being driven to live if all we are is a speck in time. Look at reproduction, we evolved to prolong the species. For what though, to be taken out by the sun four billion years from now or sooner? That can’t be all it’s about, what connection do we have with the universe?

So what’s behind my illness, a human born just to reproduce and then die. Maybe make a significant contribution to life here to pass the time. In our minds we construct how we perceive the world. Assuming we’re seeing things correctly, it doesn’t seem like there is much to change. Yeah, we build skyscrapers and make ourselves fly but what is that in comparison to the universe around us? We all know how to be human, but what does it mean to be human. Could it all be about a spiritual connection, or is it as bleak as science would have it seem. Being able to see that there should be a purpose but no one can really answer the question, leads me to think that we haven’t truly discovered what we’re here for. Not yet at least.

Why is there this strong need to survive, is there a destiny that has been undiscovered for so long. Will we see it in our life time? Or are we doomed to walk this earth, or any other planet, until humans are no more. As I’m writing this I find it hard to wrap my mind around the idea that it’s all for nothing. There has to be more to this illness than just being born with it. Everything I know has purpose, why should this be any different. Was it meant to open my eyes to the beauty of the world we live in, no matter how bad it gets.

I believe that some of what I interpret is affected by my illness, whether it’s good or bad I do not know. One thing I do know is that we all have purpose here. Whether we have discovered what that purpose is or not is irrelevant. We need to have hope and we should have hope. Whether you are religious or a firm believer in the way science tells it, one thing you can’t deny is that there is a reason we are all here.

So here I am, a speck in space worried about all that I am when all I can do is worry about what’s in front of me. My illness, my problems my life, all affected by the way I perceive things. So what do you see when you see me, another person walking down the road, a human being making his way through the twists and turns of the world. Or maybe you see a crazy person, and are afraid of what you don’t understand. If you’re are afraid of what you don’t understand then you must be a very scared person, being such a small thing in a vast universe. I’d like to let you know that I am a person, a person just like yourself. With the same set of emotions and common DNA and problems with life. I may even enjoy some of the things you do.

Seeing the life through my eyes can be hard to comprehend in some aspects. I may be hard to follow at points and I may not perceive things like someone without an illness. Diversity is the spice of life though and if everybody seen things the same way, there would be nothing new to discover. There’s always stigmas about everything and someone always has a opinion, but if you can open your eyes and see things in a different way, then you may find something that you love and have never experienced before. Stigma is a powerful thing and people don’t always think for themselves. So before you are quick to judge, remember that we’re all here for a reason. We’re not just floating through space and time for the hell of it.

So the person behind this illness. A person born to carry out a purpose. Though I may not know what my purpose is, it is there and it will remain. Just like anyone else, regardless of stigma, false judgements or your personal opinions about me. I will press on just as the people before me have, and I will never give up. Neither should you.

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