A mile in my shoes

Life has many twists and turns. A lot of dead ends and open roads. A life with schizophrenia may close a lot of doors, but it is not the end of the road.

I’m not trying to sell you on it, I wouldn’t wish this illness on my worst enemy. There is something to gain from it though. An understanding that our reality is not perfect, but it is the only one there is and we should make the best of it.

When I first lost my grip on reality, it wasn’t at a snap of your fingers. It was a long drawn out disintegration of the true reality and the one my mind fabricated. I remember wishing for it to be quicker. To go faster so I could get to the end of it but life doesn’t always go the way you planned for it. When it first started, I was aware that something was wrong, I just didn’t know what it was. I didn’t notice that I was isolating myself from the people around me. I also didn’t notice my school grades declining or my football career fading away. I didn’t notice that I wasn’t eating or that my sleep schedule had deteriorated. Although I’m sure many people were telling me all these things were happening, this feeling that something was wrong consumed my thoughts. I became the very definition of an introvert as I focused my thoughts inward. Trying desperately to figure out, if something was wrong with my brain. I’m sad to say my gut instincts were correct. While during my episode I never figured out what was wrong. My mind wandered aimlessly around chasing my tail and coming up with nothing logical. It wasn’t until after I was hospitalized and medication was given to me that I was told what the problem was.

I often find my mind wandering, fixated on something then moving on without coming to a conclusion. I often become deep in thought without a general direction.

Sometimes I wonder if my mind can think it’s way out of this illness. I sit and I fixate, usually right before I fall asleep, and I think of impossible ways why my mind is the way it is. Mind the fact that I failed biology three years in a row and I am not an science expert. My mind searches for more of a spiritual sense of things. Mind the fact that I am also not religious. I do however think that there are lessons to be taught and learned from, from different religions. I guess that could be a way humans try to find out why, without scientific facts to back it up. It’s amazing what your imagination can come up with when you do not have any scientific reasoning backing it up.

I’ve always done things that some might say doesn’t make sense. A lot of it I attribute to my illness, but some of it I would say had a lot to do with my open mindedness. I’m open to a lot of things, not everything though. I actually enjoy taking a random thought and running with it. Until my mind has exhausted all I can come up with. Sounds strange but I actually find it intriguing.

I find it best that I always stay adaptable. Saying things like “that’s just who I am”, I believe is a cliché. I believe I’m capable of change and that I should always try to be better than I was before. I believe people that are “stuck in their ways” just haven’t found a reason good enough for them to change, whether that hurts anyone’s feelings or not. Also being able to adapt to different things is one of the reasons why the human race has survived this long. So don’t tell people you can’t change. Human history has proved otherwise.

I’m not really a routined type of person. I don’t have a set time where I go to bed, and I don’t have a time to get up. My life can be hectic and change is inevitable. I don’t have a 9 to 5 job five days a week. My schedule usually always changes. I enjoy some unpredictably in my life, keeps me on my toes.

So why write this, why start this blog in the first place. Through everything I’ve gone through in my life, this blog is about, yet untouched by my life. It is the place I go to where my mind can be free of bias, free of strings, and free to think whatever I want and say whatever about it. I think we all need a place like that.

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