Fragmented thoughts

A question I often ask about things. In quiet moments when my mind is all over the place. In order to focus my mind, I look for meaning. Like why do I push myself so hard. Is it the constant feeling that I’m not pushing myself hard enough? Is it the fact that there isn’t a cure for schizophrenia yet. As of right now there isn’t a way for me to win the battle against my illness. I feel like I’m chasing my tail. I try things to eliminate all trace of it. I’ve tried different vitamins, some have had a bad effect. I’m still trying vitamins. Right now a take B vitamins and a brain health vitamin called Sarcosine. I’ve even tried to think my way out of this burden. I figure, my minds sick so my mind can push my way through it. I know, illogical.

I see my schizophrenia as a shadow that always follows me. Or waits around a corner. Or a Jekyll and Hyde type of thing. My illness hides in the dark places. With enough light to stay in the back of my mind. I look for meaning in songs that express how I view my illness. Or how I’ve overcome it just to have it come back again. I have demons inside and I can’t shut them out, so I figure I’ll give them a voice. My illness has its own persona. I’ve been trying to understand it. How it makes my mind work. Or how it affects me in daily life. I’ve been using meaning to help me with that. It’s hard to explain. If I can find how much of myself is my illness and how much is personality. I’ve always looked at myself as a whole, illness and all. Since the last episode I’ve been curious. Is this illness a gift or a curse?

I’ve been dealt my cards and whatever happens, happens. I may fixate on this for a while but I’ll get over it. This post wasn’t meant to go anywhere. Just trying to organize my fragmented thoughts.

Is there going to be a day, where I won’t need medication to be a functioning member of society. A day where I can think of myself as whole instead of broken.

I’ve been taking Sarcosine for four days now, and I’ve noticed a difference. Not one I can explain and probably not one others will notice. It’s a mentally stability or balance. It’s been getting easier to have conversations. My thoughts are less fragmented and more fluent. I had high hopes for this supplement and while I am not at the full dose yet, I feel my hopes will come true. It being the fourth day though, it’s to soon to tell.

Fragmented thoughts is something I’ve always suffered from. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone that. It’s always been hard to keep a train of thought. Though I manage to get through it for the most part. I attribute difficulty thinking to my illness. A form of a negative symptom. I know this Sarcosine has been shown to help with the negative symptoms. So I’m hoping that now that I’m taking it, my thought process will come out better than ever. Wish me luck!

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