Schizophrenia to me

To schizophrenia is something that can devastate you, and the people around you. The ones who care about you most will feel the sting of schizophrenia. You will have to endure their pain, as well as your own. It takes a strong individual to deal with the let downs and discouragements that schizophrenia has to offer, both to the victim and the people around them. This isn’t no common cold or flu. This is an illness that is life long. Something that awaits around the corner for the next stressor to make it active.

Dealing with the fact that you never know what’s going to set it off, can be daunting for both you and the ones you love. The ones who love you care, they may even try to protect you from taking to much on. For fear of this illness dismantling your life, time and time again. It takes a very strong individual to stand by your side throughout life with this illness. Those who care enough to stick by you need your respect. The term ” I feel your pain” comes to mind when I think of my loved ones. As this illness not only destroys myself, but destroys them to watch, helpless as my mind falls to ruin. I also feel their pain. The fact that I do all I can to stay sane yet I still end up sick, kills me when they have to watch me slip into destruction. I think “If only there was some way to be rid of this illness so that I don’t have to put them through this”. As it is, there isn’t a cure. The ones with this illness must continue to endure it.

There are positives to this illness, believe or not. Enduring it not only builds inner strength but really shows you what you’re made of. Whether you are the one with this disease or a loved one effected by it. The reality is, I now appreciate everything so much more. From my mind being sane to the commodities I am so fortunate to have. I’m thankful for the people who have stayed in my life. As not all have been strong enough to withstand it.

I’ve had people come and go from my life. I’ve had friends that could no longer withstand to people who found out the second they met and immediately run for the hills. I’ve had women tell me they love me yet when they found out, they’ve left me. I have a mother, with an illness herself, unable to be in my life because she can’t handle it. There are things to rejoice in though. My circle may be small, but those closest to me have my absolute faith. As they have shown me that they will not back down from my illness and the trials and tribulations that my illness brings. I have a wife that I will love eternally for the faith she has in me. A father who will always be there for me and a grandfather who will love me regardless of what’s wrong with me. The strength I derive from their support will forever keep me pushing forward.

The commodities I was talking about earlier, those have been lost at one point or another. While at my last job where I lived on site. I started building a life with my wife. Recently married we starting building our life together. We lived on site at my job and had five lovely cats that were like family. While becoming sick with my worst episode my job fired me. They gave us 24 hours to get our things and move out. Almost all was lost but my episode raged on. We took what we could and my wife and our five cats set off down the road. For some reason I decided to go and stay with my mother up in Maine. A big mistake that I’ll talk about another time. There we were, with me driving eight hours to Maine while still sick. It’s a wonder that I made it there in one piece. Our home was lost and belongings left behind. Later my father and a few other went and picked them up for us. A few things changed in me during that time. I knew then what I could handle and vowed to never push myself that far again, as that job was to much for anyone. I also gained this profound appreciation for having a roof over my head. A feeling that I took for granted in the past.

There is always light in the darkness. You just have to open your eyes and look for it. Things may not always be easy but in the hard times you gain something. Something that you should forever hold dear. When you finally see what you’re made off, you will be that much stronger. Don’t ever take that for granted because that is something only you can take away from yourself. Trust me on that

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