Keep on pushing

I think I was 12 when I had my first hallucination. I say I think because one of the symptoms of schizophrenia is losing track of time. So to the best of my abilities, I was 12.

Hallucinations are sometime brutal, terrible, and can leave an impact on you for a long time. My first was about my mother. I was actually in my bed trying to sleep. She was actually in her bed reading a book. My hallucination was that she was capable and currently eating my brain from her room. Obviously this not being possible, I think a part of me knew it wasn’t true. It was that fact that it was so real that I actually felt pain, that made it hard to believe that it wasn’t true.

Sometimes I don’t know that what I’m seeing or believing (delusion) isn’t real. Sometimes it’s so powerful that that it just consumes me. Sometimes it leads to me blacking out. By that I mean part of me knows it isn’t real, so I fight it. Usually when I fight it, it doesn’t take long for me to black out. Sometimes it’s easier or less painful just to go with it.

Back to my first hallucination. I thought long a hard about what happened that night. Part of me felt like I should tell someone. Part of me felt like my life was over so what’s the point. Part of me felt like I would just be thrown in a mental ward and left behind. Shows how little faith I had in the people around me at the time. I ended up keeping it to myself, but things just kept going downhill from there.

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